S everal years ago while serving on the Attorney General's Task Force to study family violence, I had an interesting experience. Nine of us, representing various professions, had been traveling across the nation conducting hearings on family violence.

Day after day and month after month, victims had given testimonies about the home conditions in which they were raised. In nearly every instance, these men and women traced their unhappy lives back to their childhood. Some had come from wealthy families; some from poor families. But they nearly all had one thing in common: the emotional environment of their homes had been extremely unhealthy.

One morning during a break the lady sitting next to me turned and asked, "What is an emotionally healthy family? As a psychologist, how would you describe a family that is emotionally healthy?"

We talked about this for awhile, and since that time I have concentrated much of my speaking and writing on "The Emotionally Healthy Family."

The importance of such a home is, of course, obvious. If a child grows up in a home where good, happy feelings are developed day after day, he will eventually become an adult who is well-adjusted and who reflects those happy childhood years.

The family which is healthy emotionally is more than a group of people who simply live together. When I say, for example, that the Smith family is healthy, I'm not referring to the fact that each member is free from disease. I mean that each person, young and old, is enjoying life and becoming the person God intends him or her to be.

What are the characteristics of an emotionally healthy family? What goes on inside a home in which each person is living and developing in a healthy manner?

Developing Respect

In an emotionally healthy family, both parents and children develop respect for each other. Husbands and wives treat each other with kindness and love, giving their children an example to follow.

To communicate respect to children, parents need to listen to them carefully and not interrupt when they are speaking. Not only does interrupting children frustrate children, but it also sends the message that they are not significant persons. Parents need to ask children for their suggestions. When they see their parents following through on some of those suggestions, they feel valuable as persons.

Another way for parents to show children respect is to encourage them to make their own decisions whenever possible. By being allowed to make some decisions, they learn that parents trust them and their judgment. This builds self-respect.

It is so important in building respect to be courteous to children. If a parent says, "Thank you," "May I?" and "Please" to children, they in turn will start using these phrases with others. Respect begets respect.

A child needs to hear positive comments about himself each day. We cause a child to be disrespectful when we continually tease or downgrade him. He begins to feel inadequate and inferior.

A child's school drawing is
just as important to him as a big
business deal is to a parent.

For example, when the Shaw family sit down for their evening meal, Mr. Shaw often is unduly pressuring and critical of his son, Jimmy. "Why aren't you eating your broccoli?" he may say.

"'Cuz I don't like it," Jimmy answers.

"I don't care if you don't like it, clean up your plate. Eat every bite of it!" Mr. Shaw answers harshly.

Jimmy puts a little bit in his mouth, makes a face, then looks at his Dad.

"You heard me!" his Dad goes on, "hurry up and eat every bite. Why can't you be like your brother? He doesn't act like that!"

Then Jimmy begins to cry as he tries to swallow food that is new and distasteful to him.

How much better it would have been if Mr. Shaw would have encouraged his son to try something new, and then if he still didn't like it, to be understanding about the fact that people have different tastes, and that something he did like could be substituted until the child developed a taste for broccoli. If he would have been understanding and kind, rather than harsh, unbending and critical in his negative comparison, his son would have been more likely to develop a liking for the new food as well as good feelings about himself and his father.

Another way to build respect in children is to take an interest in their activities. A child's school drawing is just as important to him as a big business deal is to a parent.

Admitting to our weaknesses and mistakes helps children continue respecting themselves when they make errors. Sometimes a parent acts as though he never makes a mistake. Since children know they make mistakes, comparing themselves to a perfect-looking parent undercuts their sense of self-esteem and self-respect.

Discovering and Developing Talents

Every time a baby is conceived, God puts inside that life a unique set of talents and abilities, and the home is where each person's talents need to be discovered, recognized, and developed. This is another exciting and joyful part of healthy family living! The family becomes stronger and benefits from having each individual developing and using his or her abilities.

This principle applies not only to the children, but also to parents. Each family member needs to encourage the mother in her interests and talents, and do the same for the father. This is because parents need to continue growing, developing and using their talents throughout their lives. Brothers and sisters also need to learn to encourage one another in the development and use of their talents.

Parents need to discover the talents God has given each son and daughter and start looking for these interests at an early age. Although children change their interests from time to time while they are growing up, several talents usually persist through the childhood years, the teen years, and the adult years.

In a healthy family, parents do all they can to help each child discover his natural abilities and use them in leisure time and in hobbies. Jimmy, for example, started showing an interest in photography around the age of nine. His parents encouraged him to read books and magazines on the subject. They bought him a simple camera so that he could take photographs, and they encouraged him in his picture taking. Jimmy really enjoyed this hobby and benefited from his parents' support. He felt good about himself. Years later, as an adult he used his photography skills. But most importantly, this helped him to develop happy, healthy feelings about himself.

Expressing and Showing Love

One of the most important emotional needs is love and affection. Every person has a longing for it; every person needs it. The best place to show, grow, develop, and exercise love and affection is in the home. By doing so, every member—mother, father—sons, and daughters—will develop in a healthy manner and sidestep many of life's problems.

The need to give and receive love and affection applies to every family member. Parents need to openly express love to each other. This teaches the children to be open and loving toward both their parents and each other.

When this happens, each member of the family—but especially the child—will grow to appreciate and have healthy feelings toward himself. It will also establish trust and respect between members. When the child becomes an adult, he will be able to love his mate and his own children. Adults who cannot love were usually not well-loved in childhood.

It's important for parents to remember to express their love verbally. Actions are important, but words are reassuring. Parents need to openly tell their child, "I love you, Billy" or "I love you, Cindy." As love is spoken in the home, children will grow up to love a husband or a wife unreservedly when they get married. They will avoid the handicap of being unable to show and accept love.

Respecting Reasonable Limits and Boundaries

All life exists within boundaries. There are "do's" and "don'ts" for everyone in the world, whether we like it or not. The best place to learn to obey and regard these limits is in the home.

Some people go through life smoothly, others roughly. The difference often depends on a person's attitudes toward rules and regulations.

Parents in a healthy family are models for their children by respecting the laws of the city, county and nation. This respect is shown by both words and actions. Children respect and like themselves better when they, like their parents, are obedient.

When a person breaks the law (and is caught), he is disciplined by the justice system. So it is when children are disobedient; they need to be disciplined. When parents discipline their children, they are saying, "We love our kids enough to require them to obey." Some people have difficulty accepting this principle, but it's true nonetheless. The book of Proverbs states, "For whom the Lord loves He corrects, just as a father the one in whom he delights" (Proverbs 3:12 ).

If a five-year-old boy insists on playing in the middle of a busy street and the only way to prevent his doing that is to discipline him, then it is imperative that he be disciplined. It is unreasonable for a loving parent to allow his child to do something so foolish as to play in traffic.

Few things are more important
to a child or an adult than
a healthy self-image.

Of course, correction and discipline need to be appropriate for the child's age and personality. As a child grows older, parents need to reason with him more and more, and when that fails, take away privileges for a time (such as watching TV) as a means of discipline.

In teaching respect for law and exercising discipline, parents need to explain to the child why he must do so and so. Saying "do it because I told you to" does not help a child to either understand or desire to cooperate with laws in society. Instead, it prevents him from eventually being able to control and discipline himself.

Developing Healthy Self-images

Few things are more important to a child or an adult than a healthy self-image. A person's good self-esteem carries him over many rough places in life.

A child with a good self-image is not only a joy to be around, but he will take that self-esteem into adulthood. Positive feelings about himself will enable him to adjust and adapt to changing situations. Many of your and my actions and thinking are based on how we feel about ourselves.

As parents, we can build healthy self-images in our children by encouraging them to tell us how they feel. Listening to our children not only tells them they are important, but it also keeps us in touch with what's happening in their emotional and intellectual lives, how their personalities and characters are being formed and influenced.

We can also show our children how they are important to God. Teach them from the Bible that God Himself created them in His own image and that He saved them by paying a great price, the death of His Son by crucifixion on a cross. Let your children know that angels are protecting them and that Heaven has been prepared for them!

But children aren't the only ones who benefit from healthy self-images. Parents do, too. That's why husbands and wives need to encourage each other. No parent needs to have to go through a day without being recognized and encouraged by his or her mate!

It's so easy to see and do things that will encourage your spouse. For example, through the years I have traveled to many cities to speak at churches and to hold seminars. Typically, I would arrive at a hotel, open my suitcase, and hang up my clothes. As I lifted each shirt or other garment, I would find a little note from my wife, Ruth, saying how much she loved me and encouraging me in some way.

But many couples do very little to encourage each other. Some men and women have told me that it had been many months or even years since they have been told they were appreciated by their spouse.

Those of us who are believers in Jesus Christ, are tremendously encouraged as we read God's Word, and we, in turn, need to encourage those around us—especially our children and our mates.

Meeting Mutual Financial Needs

In a healthy family, each person is interested in meeting the basic financial needs of the others. Children and parents need to talk over the family budget and discuss what the family needs, what it can afford, and what it can't. In this way children can develop a practical mind for finances and a knowledge about earning and saving money. Parents can make a lifetime contribution to their children's welfare by helping them understand work, income, saving, and investment. Children need to develop sound, realistic attitudes toward money. They need to be aware that money is far from the most important thing in life.

Of course, one of the most important aspects of finances is tithing. What an advantage it is to a couple to begin their life together knowing that God has provided all that they have and all they ever will have! They learned from their parents the blessing of giving to the Lord's work. Now they carry that giving heart into their new life. Perhaps the biggest problem most Americans have with money is not their ability to earn it, but their attitude toward it. And this needs to be learned in the family. (Note to Richard: Great pull quote)

Stresses and strains of daily living are often tied in with finances. A family can sidestep years of tragedy by working together in financial planning.

Assuming Responsibilities in the Home

Each person is born to do—to work, to exercise, and to accomplish. It is a healthy family indeed that makes sure each member pulls his share and learns to accept responsibility at an early age. Of course, a child's responsibilities need to be in relation to his maturity, but every child can do something no matter how small he or she is.

Not long ago I spoke with a woman who was raised in a home where she never had any special responsibilities. "My mother was a perfectionist," she said. "I could never do anything to please her, so she would always shoo me out of the kitchen or wherever she was working, saying she'd do things herself. Of course, Mother could do things faster and better than I could, but the tragedy was that when I got married, I couldn't do very much. I didn't know anything about running a house, and even worse, I didn't believe I was capable of doing it."

A child's responsibilities need to be
in relation to his maturity, but every
child can do something no matter
how small he or she is.

What a tragedy to send a child away to college or into marriage with the idea that he's limited in what he can do. When a person has learned to assume responsibilities and do jobs in the family, he feels more confident and has a healthier attitude toward himself.

How Does Your Family Rate?

If you are sincerely interested in evaluating your family and home life, you may want to mark the following chart. In this way you can identify areas in which you are doing well and areas where you would like to improve. You may want to discuss these areas with your spouse to affirm each other's strengths and encourage each other in the areas you need to grow.

You may also use the chart in a second way: mark it according to what went on in your childhood. As you discuss these areas, you will better understand why you feel and act the way you do. This understanding can help you change more easily.

Unfortunately, too many families today neglect one or more of these 12 factors. When this happens, the family suffers. Wise parents will do their best to remedy this situation and lead their family to a fuller, healthier life in accordance with God's will.

How To Use This Article

This article (also in booklet form available from NCF ... see below for a free copy) lends itself to study and discussion groups, both small and large. One way which I have found to be especially effective is this:

• In a 30-minute or more presentation go through the 12 points of the booklet. Do NOT distribute the booklet; however, encourage each one to take notes.

• After a brief stand-up or stretch, distribute the graph in the booklet to each person. Copies of this page may be enlarged considerably.

• As leader, take one point at a time, say a little about it, then ask each person to mark how well he or she is meeting this need in his or her family (very well, average, poor). Allow time for a brief discussion. The leader needs to avoid answering questions. Rather, he or she needs to turn significant questions back to the group and let the group answer. Spouses may mark their copies differently from one another!

• Go through each of the other 11 points just as you have the first.

• At the conclusion of the discussion, suggest that each person take the chart home, then set up a plan for beginning to improve any of the 12 points which needs attention.

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